Here we go again

OK, so where was I? Oh, right, supposed to start school, get a job, etc. Yeah, not so much. I was really enjoying school and actually doing very well, but unfortunately, they didn't want to actually pay me to attend. Go figure. So I decided to put school off, yet again (still a whole other can of worms) and get a job. Yeah, that lasted about a month until I just couldn't get myself out the door to work anymore, either.

Which brings us to now. I have decided to swallow my middle-class issues and apply for General Assistance. AKA, welfare, people. I'm also starting the process of applying for Social Security disability, which could take any where from 3 months to 2 1/2 years. Fun.

The reasons for my change of attitude are many, but one positive thing I've done since I've moved here is to get in touch with the Lupus Foundation of MN. I've also done a LOT of thinking, soul-searching, what have you, and figured out that I've been kind of stuck in the denial stage since I was diagnosed back in 1994. I've been operating under the delusion that I am still basically a normal person, when the truth of the matter is, I'm just not. Now don't get all excited, I'm not saying I'm going to just roll over and become a sick person. What I'm talking about is a change of perspective, and accepting that my body works differently than most people's.

A big part of that is letting go of expectations I have for how my life should be. The simple fact is, I can't do as much as other people. I have to listen to my body, and go at my own pace. I think that all these years I've been trying to go to school, or work, or whatever, I've been trying to be the person I thought I was supposed to be. The truth is, I'm not her. I may never be her again, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. I just need to adjust my thinking. And I'm going to need other people to adjust theirs, too. I'm going to need the people close to me to realize that, even though I don't LOOK sick, I am. Some days are much better than others, but even on the best days, I still don't feel "normal".

In other news, there really isn't any. I'm working on the miles of red tape that go along with any government programs and trying to get involved with a support group. I'm also trying to get myself to post in this blog thingy on a regular basis. Hee. Anyway, I'm all typed out for now, so I'm going to sign off. TTFN!!