Bring back DST!

Well, I'm at six months post-loony bin and I feel like crap. I know I've made forward progress and that I've achieved some really positive things in the past six months, but at this moment in time, I feel just as lousy as I did when I checked in to the previously mentioned psych ward. I saw my med lady last week, and she asked if I had ever considered ECT. Um, yeah. When it is working properly, I like my brain the way it is, thankyouverymuch. Plus the fact that there are whole families of meds that we haven't even tried yet. Keep your electrodes to yourself, devil-woman.

There is a therapy out there that I have used in the past with success for my SAD, but because of my Lupus, I can't do it anymore. And since the weather has started changing, some of my Lupus things have been acting up, which necessitates going back on prednisone, which can cause depression. Arrghh!!! It's like a lose-lose-lose-lose situation. Which is extremely uncool. I haven't yet reached the point of not wanting to try anything more and just wallow in my misery, though, so that's good.

I'm having some issues with people not getting it. And by "it" I mean the fact that I am not this way on purpose, and that I don't forget things because I'm lazy, etc. Some of my friends and family do. Get it, that is. They understand that if I could snap out of this, I would. Contrary to what some people might think, I do not enjoy being flaky and irresponsible. The fact of the matter is that my neurons are not firing properly, and I am doing everything I can to fix that, but it's a long, exhausting process. The reason I don't call people is not because I don't need my friends now more than ever, it's because part of my brain is telling me I'm worthless and nobody would want to talk to me anyway. There is a part of me that knows that's not true, but right now it's pretty hard to find. I am having a lot of trouble lately remembering why anyone would want to bother putting up with me.

Sorry for the downer post, and I'm really sorry if it doesn't make any sense. My brain function is really in a slump at the moment. I tried reading an actual article in the paper yesterday, and I had to read it twice just to get the point. This is all really frustrating for me, especially since being the "smart" one is part of my identity.

To end on a positive note, the Gophers swept Colorado College (Saturday night was a bloodbath!), and new episodes of ATHF are on the television. So things could be worse. TTFN!!